How to Build Family

It was Valentine’s Day. My freshman year of high school. It’s raining buckets.

Second period, my friend Bronson comes up to me and asks me, “You want to go driving?” He got the keys to someone’s car. Immediately, I say yes. We’re having a great time until I crashed the car into a house. And what I do? I did what most people would do in moments of panic. We fled the scene and ran. To my luck, I ran into the house of a police officer. I was arrested and taken to juvenile hall.

My parents both drove there separately. And that’s where I made the worst decision of the day. I decided to drive home with my mom, which to me was a no-brainer. I had rather stay in juvenile hall than be alone with my dad. I was scared for my life.

While driving home with my mom, she starts breaking down in the car crying, asking out loud, “How have I failed you as a mother? How have I failed to raise you right?”

It was in that moment that I realized I actually affected my family. I learned that we all grow up in a family, but that doesn’t mean we know how to be part of a family.

My name is Brian, and welcome to Let’s Talk. Tonight, this is what I want to talk about: three lessons I’ve learned about what it takes to be part of a family.

Number one: Contribute. Finding your role in a family. In Ephesians 4 verse 15, it says, “Instead, we’ll speak the truth in love, growing in every way more and more like Christ, who is the head of his body, the church. He makes the whole body fit together perfectly. As each part does its own special work, it helps other parts grow, so the whole body is healthy and growing and full of love.”

The Bible teaches us that Christ makes the body fit together perfectly. That means the family you are part of isn’t a mistake. Whether that means you were adopted in the family, you come from a single-parent home or a blended family, or maybe you might be a single professional trying to attach to another family or learning how to build family with your roommates. Regardless of your family structure, you are a part of it, and you have a role to play in that family.

The scripture says, “each part does its own special work.” That means in order for us to have a family that’s healthy, growing, and full of love, it’s important to find your role in that family. Everyone plays a part.

Often, we could resist playing our role in the family. That’s what I did as a teenager growing up. Rather than embracing my role, I complained about it. And what I learned from the scripture and from life, what ends up happening is there’s an imbalance when not everyone in the family embraces and plays their role. We end up putting too much stress and burden on the other members of the family.

When I was a single professional, I had to learn how to attach and become part of a family by contributing. There are numerous families that I became a part of, and they happened because I took an interest in the kids and in their lives and helping them to grow. What I learned from that is that people want you to be a part of the family when you make contributions and you make a difference.

So two questions I want you to ask yourself: Am I making the right contributions to my family? And is everyone contributing in this family?

The second lesson I learned about being part of a family is devotion. Family fights for each other. In James 5 verse 19, it says, “Finally, as members of God’s beloved family, we must go after the one who wanders from the truth and bring him back.”

See, God teaches us through the scripture that family fights for each other. You take an active role in going after each other. I learned this lesson from my mom. My mom was incredible. She was devoted to me. She would go to every single one of my games, my matches, and tournaments. She was devoted to my growth and development. She devoted to supporting me to help me to become the best that I could be.

When you’re part of a family, you are invested and devoted to helping everyone in that family succeed. Devotion means you’re willing to fight for each other. You fight to be close. You fight for intimacy. You work through arguments and distance so that you can be close. Do you fight for your family to be close?

Early on, Rose and I were married, we got advice that has always stuck with me. Someone once told me, “There’s no such thing as good marriages and bad marriages. There’s those that work on their marriage, and there’s those that don’t.” Which camp does your marriage fall into? Are you devoted to fighting for every member in your family?

What we’re talking about is important. As you look at statistics, 39% of marriages end in divorce. Although this number might seem high to you, this is actually at an all-time low in the past 40 years from the 80s when the divorce rate was 50%. This is great, but those figures can be deceiving. See, less and less people are getting married nowadays, and more people are choosing to cohabitate.

Fifty percent of kids born in a cohabitating couple relationship was unplanned. And more than 50% of children born to cohabitating parents will end in parental breakup by the age of 9 years old. Likewise, one in five adult Americans grew up in a family with an alcoholic. And even more surprisingly, 40% of US adults reported having dealt with substance abuse in their families.

What does this all tell us? That there are destructive forces that tear families apart. And we must be devoted to each other and fight for those in our family in order for us to be close and connected.

The third lesson that God has taught me on how to be part of a family is time. There’s simply no substitute for time. In Acts 2 verse 42, it says, “They spent their time learning from the apostles, and they were like family to each other. They also broke bread and prayed together.”

When I was single, I learned one of the most invaluable lessons about being part of a family from a teenager. I was a mentor to this teen, and his family had me over for dinner every week on Thursday nights. I observed that family. They were close, and they had dinner together as a family every single night. I saw the relationship that this teen had with his dad, and I wanted that closeness with my own dad.

I remember asking him for tips, if he had any, on how being close to your dad. His answer was simple but profound. He said, “Just spend time. Don’t make it a big deal, and be consistent.” I learned that family is built through time, and there are no substitutes. That’s what the scripture is saying. What makes us family is the willingness to invest the time being with each other and doing things together.

It’s not just about the time, but being present when you’re with family. I’ve been a repeat offender in this area. Being with family, but not being present. My mind being on work, distracted by worries, or checked out on my phone.

It’s been said that the greatest ability is availability. When you’re with your family, are you available? Are you present? When we aren’t, this communicates to our family members that you’re not important enough to take an interest in.

See, we have to learn how to take an interest and that it’s necessary. It’s necessary to understand our kids. Or as kids, it’s necessary to understand our parents. I’ve seen parent-teen relations transform because of the willingness to take an interest in what they are interested in, and then willing to devote consistent time into learning and doing that very thing together.

We all want family. A place where we’re wanted and valued. A place where we can be ourselves, be a mess, and still be accepted. A place where we can find support and encouragement and be believed in. We all want family, and we all need family.

God has taught me throughout my own family, being attached to families, and building my family now, that it takes contributing, devotion, and time to being part of a family.

We have a few questions for you to get your conversations going in your “Let’s Talk” night. Number one: Contribute. Are you embracing or resisting your role in the family? Devotion. Do you fight for or do you settle in your relationships in your family? And finally, Time. Are you consistent and investing the proper amount of time into each of your relationships in your family?

Now, have a great discussion.